Thursday, July 15, 2010

In the Pursuit of.....?

I am quite sure that my recent efforts have been little more than futile... why is it that we want so badly what we cannot have? It almost seems to make us want that thing even more knowing that we simply cannot have it.... madness!

Even though I firmly believe that I will likely never get what I want, I will still try, and of course fail. Yet, that only seems to make me want to try harder, or try something different that may just work... after all, the definition of insanity is often stated as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So, of course I will try different tactics, strategies, plans of action. None of which, of course, will actually work. But I will likely keep trying. Or perhaps, one day I will come to my senses or wake up to reality and realize it is a dead end road.

Time will tell. Let's just hope I don't drive myself to the point of insanity in the meantime.

Monday, July 5, 2010

In The Face of Uncertainty

I've been thinking about a lot lately, causing myself much mental anguish and torment. Faced with uncertainty and an inherent inability to make decisions for myself, I feel like the last few weeks have passed with me being in some sort of a daze or a trance. Some new things have cropped up that occupy a lot of my mind's time, sometimes interfering with day to day life. I even somehow missed a very important deadline, one that almost shocked me back into reality..... almost. Once the scare of that particular event diminished slightly (all because a very sympathetic post office worker took some pity on me), I somehow managed to block the potential consequences of my oversight out of my mind. I then allowed my mind to preoccupy itself with its previous distractions... trying desperately to block them out, but being ever so unsuccessful.

The human mind is a curious thing for sure. It makes me wonder why I can so easily block certain things out, yet others linger, sometimes to the point of making me close to miserable. I am an analytical person by nature, carefully contemplating all of my options ad nausem. Sometimes I cannot come to an answer that satisfies me. And so, the torment continues. Being indecisive can have its advantages... we almost never make a decision in haste or without careful thought. A major problem of mine is seemingly knowing exactly what I want, but not being able to see a clear path to get there.

AAC Nationals are just over 4 weeks away, and I must turn my focus onto practicing for this prestigious event. When I am fortunate enough to get to work with my dogs, I forget about everything else... I am able to focus in the moment, and be there 100% for my dog. This is a skill I have worked on over the years. It took some practice on my part.

And so, the distracted mind shall continue on I suppose, as I have no reliable skill for dealing with that. As I prepare to start a new chapter in my life this week, I hope that my decisions leading up to this were good ones.